At a Loss for Words

I don’t read anymore, I realized as I was cleaning my room over Christmas break. I knew my busy schedule was a major reason, but I had two weeks off, and the closest I got to reading was when I shuffled Andy Weir’s new book, Artemis, from the kitchen table to my nightstand and back again. I intended to devour the novel over the break, along with a few others, but I never once opened the cover.

My heart sank with me as I sat heavily on my bed. What happened? How did I get here? How did I go from loving words so much that I wanted to be a writer to not even reading? How did I get so lost?

I knew the biggest reason I have yet to write a novel is that I’m absolutely scared that I’m not actually good enough, and that if I finished a novel and queried agents, I would only prove that to myself. It’s easier to not try than to try and fail. It’s easier to never share my writing than to be so painfully vulnerable.

In that moment, though, when I realized I don’t even read others’ words anymore, I knew I had to do something before I lost myself completely. I have a passion for words and stories–hence the title of this blog; I know it’s a gift, and I know I’m meant to write, so it scares me that I’ve gone so far from that purpose. I had to make a change. I had to try something different. I had to be vulnerable.

My friends, I’m not writing this because I want to be inundated with encouragement. I don’t want consolatory words telling me I am a good enough writer. In fact, please don’t tell me that. Not only will it make me uncomfortable, but it won’t actually help; this is something that I have to prove to myself and no one else.

I am writing this post and starting this blog because writing requires you to open up your soul and bleed onto the page, and if I can’t be vulnerable about my deepest desires and darkest fears with the people I’m closest to, how can I ever write a novel? So if you want to help, keep reading this blog. Ask me how writing’s going when I least expect it. Talk to me about books. Tell me crazy stories about your life. Above all, just walk this journey with me and let me be akwardly vulnerable with you. That alone is more than enough.

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